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“Let me see your i.d.,” she said as she lifted the wrist where I wore the plastic bracelet.

Dropping my arm, she said, “Okay, you can come in. First time, isn’t it?”

Without waiting for an answer, she walked down the hall. I followed her through a door with a sign that read, “SHHHHHHHHHH! BABIES SLEEPING.”

Once inside the room, I started to read labels on the closest bassinets.

“No, no” she said. “Yours isn’t there. Those are the A’s.”

“What does A mean,” I asked, disappointed that mine was not in the top group.

“Always Anxious,” she said. They’re the screamers, especially the boys. She was right. All of the blue bassinets and most of the pink ones contained crying babies.

Feeling a little relieved, I started towards the quiet side of the room.

“No, no,” she said. “Those are the C’s. “

What’s a C? I asked.

“Calm, cool and cuddily.”

Now I was getting a little worried. She moved to a bassinet in the middle of the room and stopped.

“Here,” she said. “This one.” She leaned over, scooped up the sleeping bundle and placed my son in my arms. I held him for a few minutes, filled with the emotions of a first time mother. Miss Peterson just stood there watching, possibly to make sure her baby was safe.

“So, this is the B group?” I finally asked with more than a little trepidation.

“Yes.”

What does B stand for? I asked her.

“They’re a little bit of both. Sort of the normals. You’re lucky.”

Seeing the expression on my face, she began to explain. “Honey, I’ve been in this nursery for 30 years. I’ve seen a lot of babies in my day. The way they come out is the way they’re going to be. There are three kinds: A,B,C. I feel sorry for the C mothers. Those kids always have what the docs call colic. Colic-Shmolic. They’re just plain cranky and a lot of them never change. The A moms have it easy although some of those kids turn out a little lazy.”

She went on. “You see, about half of these babies have mothers who were my babies 25-30 years ago. They all fall in the same group as their mothers, As, Bs or Cs.”

This morning I read the cover story in the New York Times Magazine entitled, “Are We Wired to Worry.” According to the article, the answer to that question is probably “yes.” Extensive, expensive, longitudinal studies have been going on for thirty years to find this out.

They should have asked Miss Peterson.

“I don’t really friend adults,” read the message. My first reaction was “how cute,” and forwarded the email to Mary. As I was writing the message, I realized that this wasn’t cute. It was the direct result of parental protection. “You can be on Facebook with these conditions and the first one is: NEVER accept Friend invitations from adults.” I complimented Mary on a strategy that was obviously working.

Tony used the word “friend” as a verb! My thoughts immediately raced back to Miss Osland in honors English my first year in college.  Miss Osland might have stroked out at such a desecration of her English.

I don’t friend adults. As usual, I went straight to google and typed in “’friend’ as a verb, expecting little or nothing. 5,040,000 hits! 

The first question in my mind is, “How does the world change that fast?” But, we all know the answer to that question. The speed of technology long ago surpassed the speed of light or whatever the fastest thing we know is. The real question is how are we keeping up? Or more important when we can’t keep up, how do we find our place in this new world, which is both unbelievably exciting and as unbelievably terrifying?

John Junson is a great cartoonist and colleague. In a recent cartoon* he shows a character talking about being asked to learn ipod, iphone and other “I words” in one day. In the next frame, the character says, “I-OLD.” My friend could have added: “I-OUTOFIT”—sometimes a much scarier scenario.

I wish I had answers for my questions. I don’t.  But I know how I am a surviving—and thriving—in my retirement years. First, I started an entirely new career doing only what I want to do, love to do and am good at. Second, I spend every free minute exploring, learning and testing new ideas. Yes, it will help my brain develop new cells that will help keep me from senile dementia. But, more than that, it’s adding excitement, novelty, energy and enthusiasm to my life—in a way I don’t recall ever experiencing. Of course, that could be the dementia trying to grab a foothold. I don’t think so. I have discovered a way of life that is redefining life—and aging–for me. I just wish I had found it sooner!

Jan described her objection to the proclivity of consultants to focus on planning rather than on action—and at billions of dollars of expense to nonprofits.

A flurry of thoughts and images poured into my brain. First and foremost, about “strategic planning.” Most execs of a certain age have heard the one where the boss asks the secretary for a copy of the strategic plan. She gets on a ladder and brings it down from the top shelf, dust flying off.  Strategic plans without strategic follow-up are a waste of time.

How many of us have sat through hours, days, weeks of retreats, exercises, SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis, needs assessments, focus groups—and afterwards go back to exactly what we were doing before?

“Ready, fire, aim!” is how Tom Peters put it in one of his books. But I know that Jan was not suggesting that agencies should not plan. Her point was that if some of the time planning (especially using costly consultants) went into implementation and action, a lot more would get done.

What’s that noise I hear? I think it’s some of my colleagues saying “Amen!”

LIKE ANY small town, Hollywood has its secrets, ” declared the headline in an article by the Los Angeles Times (6/13/2008). Some secrets are as carefully protected as a bank because, “acknowledging publicly that you’re ill could mean instant unemployment.”

Now there’s a celebrity about whom there’s “no need to whisper,” the Times went on to say. Lauren Shuler Donner has Lupus.

Over the last two decades, Lauren has produced some of Hollywood’s most popular — and profitable — films, including “Pretty in Pink,” “St. Elmo’s Fire,” “Dave,” “Mr. Mom,” “Free Willy” and all the “X-Men” movies.

According to the Times, “No secret is as carefully guarded as a celebrity suffering with a chronic illness, but the A-list producer wants to end this conspiracy.”

Lauren was honored by the Lupus Foundation in June of 2008. In her acceptance speech, she said, “I want to show people that you can still live a life.”

And quite a life she has had! Not only with Lupus but also as a breast cancer survivor. Cured of her cancer, she is still living with lupus.

 “I know there’s a stigma that has made it hard for people to acknowledge it, if they’re sick,” Lauren told the Lupus Foundation audience. “I didn’t tell anyone I had lupus for many, many years, and I didn’t tell anyone I had cancer.

“I was afraid no one would hire me, and I also felt it was deeply personal. It was nobody’s business,” she continued. “Now, of course, my feelings have changed.” And, she has become a vocal spokesperson for lupus awareness.

Click here to read more of this story about this special woman….

 “My mother says I look like a head of lettuce in this outfit,” Greta Van Susternan said.

I didn’t hear the rest of the interview, because I was laughing too hard.  That was two years ago, but the image of Greta’s gorgeous head on top of a head of lettuce has never left me. Or the idea that this highly successful, world recognized, and very conservative broadcaster was still being driven by her mom’s opinions.

Those of us who have lost our mothers might even yearn to hear their voices again. But whether our parents are alive or not, we often hear their voice in our head all the time. In my case, I remember, “Don’t cry over spilled milk.”  For many years, I assumed it meant don’t sweat the small stuff, remember what’s important, etc—valuable lessons.  Later I figured out that the phrase also implied her unspoken motto: “Never, never engage in conflict with anyone.”

If an attempt to follow is made, it might help keep an artificial peace—for awhile. But in business, the manager who avoids conflict at all costs is not managing. Rather he/she is stirring a pot of tasks, duties and people. Constructive conflict, as Patrick Lencioni has defined so clearly, is required for creative problem-solving and generating the commitment needed for effective performance. As Lencioni makes clear, you can never get the best results if you aren’t hearing the opinions of all of your team—and that requires managed conflict.

This brings me to a question raised by many others:  were/are our parents right or wrong in the advice, admonishments and corrections they gave us?

Years ago I read the book “Games Mother Never Taught You” by Betty Lehan Harragan. It left me with my jaw dropping to realize what was out there in the world that I had no awareness of—and of which my mother was totally ignorant. Then I begin to wonder:  what else didn’t she know about?  How did her experience shape her advice and admonishments?  Maybe she wasn’t always right…

Perhaps that’s what all grown ups come to realize eventually.  That might even be one definition of maturity.  But then what about Greta?  Why does her mother still have so much power over her?  Not malicious power at all.  Mom’s trying to be helpful.  But most mothers have no training in effective communication skills.  Few understand how to offer comments that don’t put the person on the defensive.  Even if Greta’s mom had training, the comment might sound unkind to some.  But what if it were said in jest.  What if Greta and her mom are best friends, and that’s the way they talk to each other?  I will never know, but I probably won’t lose the head of lettuce image of Greta.  Somehow I don’t think it would bother Greta in the slightest.

My interview with Arlene made me even more convinced that there are gems of leadership wisdom to be mined from those who are excellent leaders but too busy to write books. And many of their insights aren’t covered in the wide array of leadership books I have read.

Arlene’s philosophy has been honed through several varied experiences from anthropology to law school and legal practice to human resources to certified mediator to professor to professional coach and more. Above all, she said when discussing the management of people, “you have to give them a higher purpose. They need to feel that their job is more than a paycheck—that it’s a “calling” that in some way helps make a contribution.”

Most of the 50 million hits on Google on “a higher purpose,” stem from a religious point of view, or at least spiritual. I didn’t find any that talked about the concept on the job—but of course, I didn’t review all 50 million!

The truth is that the nonprofit world has benefited from this idea, if using other terminology, since the beginning. Most people go to work for nonprofits because they want to help somebody. Harder to find a higher purpose in a for-profit company, but as Arlene made it clear, it is possible. She believes that “everyone in their heart yearns to make a difference.” People want their work to be meaningful.

Arlene cited an example of a situation she walked in to where employees were essentially shuffling paper from one desk to another, all day everyday. In her trainings, she spent time showing them how their work connected to the whole—and in fact, that success depended on their work.

Our conversation expanded into thoughts on leadership. “What I do, I am, and for that I came,” are words from a poem that Arlene quoted on the subject. She explained that she believes  “leadership is not positional. Change does not have to be from the top down. Whatever you can control, you can change.”  “If you’re the only one who wants change,” Arlene continued, “then you can start with what’s on your desk. If another person joins you, than that’s two desks and that can be the beginning of major change.”

While I enjoyed hearing all the elements of Arlene’s thoughts on leadership, most of all, I love the concept of higher purpose in an organizational setting.  We can talk about vision and mission until we’re blue in the face and many employees won’t get it, but somehow “higher purpose” and a “calling” speaks beyond words. The crucial issue of course is that it’s not enough to help someone see the higher purpose. It’s up to the leader to ensure that the higher purpose is worth working for.

My second coach wasn’t quite as skilled. Highly recommend by a trusted but recently acquired acquaintance, this gentleman was, to put it bluntly, what I concluded shortly after meeting him– a “kook.” He wanted me to read Zen and the Art of Motorcycles and interpret poetry with him.  That relationship lasted about one hour, and I had to rethink my trust in the peer who recommended him.

Then I reached the height of good fortune. I walked into a nonprofit agency in California that had no professional Human Resource specialist. Truth be told, back in the early 1980’s, there weren’t very many nonprofits that saw H.R. as a major force in their organizations. Necessary, but not a force for change, culture shaping, etc. When yet another H.R. crisis hit (it felt like there were at least 2 an hour), I called a friend who ran a different nonprofit and asked for help. She recommended a woman who was a former H.R. director for a major for-profit corporation.

Immediately, my doubting muscle flexed. For profit? She couldn’t possibly understand our issues. However, my friend said she had worked with the woman who had gotten her through a union threat, and there was no one she recommended more highly. And, I had no one else, so I relented.

Well. What a life changing experience this turned out to be for me. This young woman, I’ll call her Tracy, literally helped me reinvent my philosophy, my presence and my life.

Never before or since have I met anyone who could say anything to anybody and stay friends. Her ability to tell the truth in a way that was helpful was astonishing to me.

Of course, what happens in a coaching situation when the coach is good? You start to imitate the best traits and practice them in your daily encounters. When they work, you can go back to the coach and share your success.

Suffice to say, this coach helped me take an honest look at my skills and lack thereof. She was able to point out when I was coming across negatively, even when I thought I was at my most positive. Probably the most important thing she taught me was about the crucial skill of valuing people. It had just never occurred to me before—how powerful it was for the leader to stop and talk to a line staff, to know about something good that they had done and comment or to remember that their grandmother was ill and ask about her. It had never occurred to me.

What a gift. What a lady. What an impact.